Spam Spasms & Spamocidal Mania
Below is a letter I wrote to the following organizations:S.H.U. (Spam-Haters Unanimous)N.A.A.P.W.H.S. (National Association for the Advancement of People Who Hate Spam)P.W.H.P.W.D.H.S. (People Who Hate People Who Donīt Hate Spam) P.F.W.S.H.I.A.L.C. (People for Whom Spam-Hating is a Lifestyle Choice) S.A.P.W.R.R.R.H.S. (Society for the Advancement of People Who Really Really Really Hate Spam) P.W.H.S.S.M.I.M.L.W.S.C.O.T.E. (People Who Hate Spam So Much It Makes Little Wisps of Steam Come Out of Their Ears) And, of course: Spam Haters In The Business of Internet Resource Directory Services. DEAR FELLOW SPAM HATERS,Iīm writing to suggest that we combine forces in order to present a common front in our righteous war on unsolicited commercial email: Spam! I suggest we disband the myriad sites and organizations now opposing unsolicited commercial email in order to form a single, unified organization: The Spammish Inquisition! And I further suggest we elect me, Linda Cox, as our leader. Our Grand Inquisatrix! WHAT ARE MY QUALIFICATIONS? You think YOU hate spam? You donīt even know what hate is! I hate spam so much that I... well, just a LOT! Thatīs how much! If I hated spam any more than I already do, I think my head would burst into flames and spin like a top! Can you say that? Donīt think so. I donīt mean to say that I donīt hate other things too, like pedophiles and nazis and that drunk guy who backed over my cat when I was seven. But spam... hooboy! SQUISH īEM LIKE BUGS! I believe we should have a constitutional amendment allowing cruel and unusual punishment in the case of spammers. Maybe that tummy thing like the Japanese do when they get depressed. As with drugs, mere possession of bulk emailing software should result in the immediate confiscation of the computer it was on, as well as any nice clothes, jewelry, or lawn statuary that might have been purchased with spam profits. Just thinking about sending spam should be illegal, like joking about bombs in an airport. If I get to be Grand Inquisatrix, Iīll have my own force of men-in-black dudes to sniff out spamsters and be really mean to them and call them names until they promise to be good little netizens again. Itīs for their own good. IN CLOSING... Having looked at the websites of some of the anti-spam crusaders, I know that I am not alone in my revulsion, disgust and utter skin-crawling contempt for spam. Like them, I have turned a blind-eye to more mundane problems like hunger, illiteracy, disease, country music and poverty so as to focus on the true menace ravaging our cyber-society. If you wish to support my crusade, you may do so by sending me $99, and as a free gift Iīll send you a CD with the email addresses of 40 million netizens eagerly awaiting news of your latest product or service. Linda Cox, G.I.W. (Grand Inquisatrix Wannabe) P.S. Oh yeah... stale croutons. Hate īem.
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