In Tall Grass
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 13, 2004
My best friend, Ryan, told me last night he got his girlfriend, Rebecca, pregnant. He is 22 and she is 20. He told me he was probably going to marry her "because that is what I should do." Let me give you a little background.
Ryan knew this girl back in high school and met up with her again four months ago. She had just gotten out of a year-long relationship a week before. Despite that fact, they promptly started sleeping together. Within a month they had a pregnancy scare because she refused to use any form of birth control. She said it "messed with her system."
And he believed her! I told him she was full of it, and he needed to at least wear a condom because having a baby at this time in his life would be a disaster. Well, he didnīt listen. When he informed me I was going to become an "aunt," I asked him if birth control was involved. He said it got pointless to use any.
I asked if he was in love with her. He said the "in love" part would come along later. Argh!!! I love and care for my best friend, but I have never in my life met such a clueless and gullible guy! He always dates women who manipulate and use him! I am so disappointed.
She does not have a job, skips out on her cosmetology classes, expects her parents to pay for everything she wants, and to top it off, she is very cold. You know how when youīre around someone, and you can literally feel they are heartless? Well, thatīs Rebecca.
Sheīs in his life regardless because of the baby, but he doesnīt have to marry her to be a good father. I told him if he was not in love he had no business marrying because it would be mocking the entire institution.
The few times Iīve been around her, she literally pushes Ryan away when he tries to be affectionate, and puts him down in front of everyone. Iīve been with my boyfriend for three years, and even though he drives me nuts sometimes, I would never put him down due to one thing. We love each other. There is no love between this couple.
Itīs my belief she has done the classic move of trapping him. Ryan has never felt very manly. Heīs the baby in his family, and now he has a chance to prove to the world he is grown up! This girl saw all that and fed off those facts. He got trapped, he knew it was going to happen, and he let it happen. His stupidity is beyond me!
Ryan appreciates that I am not a beat-around-the-bush person. If I have something to say, Iīll say it, though I make it diplomatic and tactful. Should I go along with this and keep my mouth shut? Or should I tell him what I think and hope he doesnīt make the biggest mistake of his life?
Liz
Liz, in Stephen Kingīs novel "From A Buick 8" a character says, "We never go forward believing we are going to fail, do we? No. We do it because we think we are going to save the day, and six times out of ten we step on the business end of a rake hidden in the high grass, and up comes the handle, and whammo, right between the eyes."
You want to know if you should say anything. Of course, you should. To do otherwise would put a big honking lie in the middle of your relationship. Tell him not with the expectation he will change, because thatīs unlikely, but so he understands where you are coming from. You care about him and donīt want to see him hurt.
If your friendship canīt survive honesty, then it shouldnīt survive.
Wayne & Tamara
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