Celebrating the Couch Potato
Ah, the couch potato, that icon of American pop culture values. Isn’t that the life? Why would anyone want to exert extra energy to be productive when you can simply plop down on the couch in front of the telly and enjoy all that delicious snack food and a cool one. Why worry about a yard that needs mowing, a sink full of dishes or that overflowing garbage can. They will all be there tomorrow or even next week - you can take care of them then, or not.
There are more important things to do. On TV there are all those fantastic game shows, ball games and sitcoms. Oh, those beautiful sitcoms. You can, literally, sit there for hours and be transported to an altered state of consciousness where you can laugh and cry and be entertained and not have to do one little bit of thinking the whole time. And don’t forget those great video movies. You can transport yourself to become a great athlete or movie star, and can even fall in love or feel a whole range of other emotions without ever having to risk danger or heartache. What a life!
Then there is the great food. Everyone knows that the best food in the world is snack food. It is virtually drips with the tastiest greasy stuff you can find. And there are dozens of flavors of chips and all kinds of frozen pizzas and other tasty things you can just throw into the microwave during a commercial. Then there are all the sweet snacks. My favorite has to be Zebra Cakes, but who could turn their nose up at cookies, cakes, pies and candy. And the drinks - ah yes, the drinks. There are so many flavors of canned soda these days that you could have a different kind every day for a month - and so many are low calorie. That’s so great because with all of the calories you save drinking those, you can grab a couple of extra slices of pizza.
Of course there are a couple of minor drawbacks. Being a couch potato may cause you to gain weight and suffer a few health problems that go along with that. And with the lack of exercise you might end up being a bit weak physically. And of course, with all the TV viewing, the mind gets a little numb. But what are a few minor irritations compared to the overwhelming happiness that allows you to sing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy," even in your sleep.
But I’m really afraid of what might happen in the future. The fantastic lifestyle of the couch potato may be under attack. I heard that there is a lawsuit coming down the road where some folks are suing fast food establishments for making them fat. When I first heard about this I was sure that I heard wrong. These people who are suing must, themselves, be couch potatoes. They seem to have all the characteristics of people with a couch potato lifestyle. Somehow, someone must have paid them off. Or worse, they somehow got turned by the enemy.
I don’t think they realize what is at stake. What if they win? Sure they might get some money, but look at what will be lost! First, fast food establishments will have to give up serving the really good tasty fat filled stuff. In the future everything will be veggie burgers and salad with lemon juice dressing. But it won’t stop there. When the fast food companies are conquered, they will move on to the other food manufacturers. This is where we really get killed. Frozen pizzas with no fat cheese (Have you ever tasted that stuff? All I can say is “plastic."), chili with soy burger, turkey dogs, popcorn with no butter, candy with that bitter tasting artificial sweetener, non-fat yogurt ice cream! AAAGHHHH! It is enough to make a grown man cry.
The result of all this will completely take the pleasure out of couch potatoing. With none of the fattening food around we might lose weight. We might have so much time on our hands that we get bored and start working around the house. We might start working out. We might even actually get a job and lead a productive life. Woe is me, what a miserable existence it would be to have a trim body, a clean house, and a productive office. What is this world coming to?
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