Surviving Life After Divorce
After divorce, the most important thing you can do is to move forward sensibly. Here are ten steps to help you on your way back to a fulfilling life.
1. Think single. As obvious as it may seem, youīre no longer one half of a couple and that can take some getting used to. After all, life as a single woman is very different to the life youīve been leading for a major part of your life. Take time to understand the changes that are happening in your life and donīt expect it to be easy.
2. Remind yourself that itīs ok to be single. In a society where single women are often looked down at by their married peers, they can easily find themselves believing that theyīre failures; that "real" women are involved in loving, lasting relationships. That simply isnīt true. More and more women are choosing to remain single, or to break out of unfulfilling relationships, something which shows strength rather than weakness. Surviving means believing in yourself and your capabilities as a single woman.
3. Donīt try to get even. No matter how angry you are at your partner, even if heīs been unfaithful to you, donīt try to get your own back. Youīll just end up exhausting your personal energy on something that isnīt going to be the least bit fruitful. It certainly wonīt get him back but the bitterness will most likely stop you from moving on. You donīt deserve that, so donīt do it! Try to approach your anger in a sensible manner, one that will constructive in helping you back to a healthy, emotional state of mind. Writing down exactly what is making you angry and why can often help you to understand and deal with your feelings. Find a friend whoīll listen and tell her how you feel. Anger needs an outlet, but revenge isnīt a healthy way of venting it.
4. Accept that the relationship is over. When youīre living alone and your partner has moved on, it should be easy to accept that itīs over. Unfortunately, this is something that a lot of women have problems with. You may find yourself making excuses to visit him by forgetting things at his place or needing to discuss something trivial regarding the children. Donīt crowd him. Talk to him when you need to, visit if you must, but be polite, keep your distance emotionally, and accept that you now lead separate lives. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will be able to find happiness again.
5. Donīt live in the past. No doubt youīve got some great memories from your time together, you would never have stayed together as long as you did if there were never any good times. Remember them by all means, but donīt dwell on them. If you find yourself wishing that everything could be "like that" again, give yourself a mental slap and remind yourself that there are some fantastic moments waiting for you in the future and that the past is nothing but a memory. You can learn from it but you canīt change it or return to it. Itīs over. Gone. The future is what you should be thinking about now!
6. Donīt drown yourself in guilt. Youīve probably said a few things that you didnīt mean and now regret but you canīt change that now. By all means apologise to your ex if itīll make you feel better, but donīt expect your apology to change anything. Forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes.
7. Re-discover yourself! How much of yourself did you give up during your relationship? Did you find yourself bending over backwards to satisfy your partner? Now is the time to start living for you! Doing the things that make YOU happy will increase your self-confidence. Get a new hair-cut, re-arrange the furniture, enrol on a course. Do anything you like, but do it for YOU.
8. Sort out your finances. Your financial situation is bound to have changed and itīs important that you know exactly how much you have coming in. Itīs easy to start over-spending while youīre wallowing in your self-pity. A little extra indulgence here and another there; itīs easy to fall into the trap so donīt be tempted. Getting yourself into debt will just make your life as a single woman unnecessarily difficult. If your income is low (or non-existent) contact Social Services Benefits Advice Service or your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They will have somebody available to assess your needs and help you claim any benefits that you may be eligible for.
9. Donīt become lonely. You may have found that your "couple friends" no longer invite you over or that your married friends donīt have the time to do the things you suggest. Donīt panic. This is perfectly normal and as time passes you will gradually find new friends. Whatever you do, be positive when you are with others as positive people always attract more friends. When you meet new people, they donīt want to listen to "doom and gloom". They donīt know you yet and will probably find it difficult to be sympathetic to a complete stranger. Be cheery and make them smile, people will remember and like you for that.
10. Donīt get involved on the rebound! Weīve all heard it, but when you meet "that" guy, itīs so easy to forget. Keep your dates light and remember that there is a broad line between getting to know a person and bonding a close, intimate relationship. Donīt try to jump that line, itīs there to be crossed slowly. When you try to cross it too quickly youīll be forcing the relationship and forced relationships rarely last. Yes, I know there are some whirlwind romances that have survived the test of time, but those are the exception, rather than the rule.
Iīve been married, single and a live-in partner. All sorts of relationships have their good and bad sides. When youīre single you might yearn for the stability of marriage; when youīre married you may envy the freedom of your single friends. Whatever happens, whether you choose to remain single or forge a new relationship, donīt keep comparing your life with that of your friends. Youīre unique - your life is exceptional! Enjoy it!
More articles:
